Unanswerable Question

Just got back from the hospital and just have a good long cry. And now my head hurts like hell.

I don't understand why Dad is SO SO SO stubborn. Why can't he believe that what we do for him was for his own good.

It's an unanswerable question. What children should do when their sick and stubborn dad refuses to do what he was told. (which told by a doctor, for G's sake)

When I get home, I put all stress in a box and throw it in the sea. So I don't have to think about it. In the morning the tidal surge the box back and I'm stressed out again.

Just give me a night to rest and I will be strong again tomorrow. It's a cycle.

Right now, my eyes are swollen twice larger than usual.

Someone

Have you ever desperately need someone to talk to but can't find one?


Someone who tell you "Everything's going to be alright" and you know all of your heart that it wouldn't.
Someone who won't judge you.
Someone who know you.
Someone who know why sometimes you're acting the way no one don't understand.

Someone that I need them right now.

EXHAUSTED!!

Oh, hell. Life couldn't be more crueler than this.

Above is a sentence I wrote on April, 23rd. (Today is May, 28th) The reason was Dad have to leave the hospital and I haven't found a nursing home, yet.

Since then, many things happened. (Bad things, Badder things and the Baddest thing) The bottom line (have no humor to explain everything) is I've found it. He's been there for 11 days now. Unexpected me, his sodium has risen to a normal level, which makes him too alert and too sensitive

After all day long doing my job, I have to help Mom at home doing family's business, accounting, for an example. I'm exhausted. Not to mention dealing with TJ (the Jerk). That's the most exhausted, annoyed, hated part ever.

Sometimes, I wish all of this didn't happen. Okay, I always wish none of this happen.

Wish me luck!!

Life isn't fair

Life isn't fair.
Life sucks.
And then you die.

Well, always heard those lines.(Okay, I read it from Breaking Dawn and really like it. Don't know if there's any hidden meaning)

And I think as everyone thinks that "That's my life"
(Probably, Dad's thinking about it right now)

And someone said, "Is that suck? Really? Mine is sucker."
I don't know why they're so proud about their sucker life. Mine maybe not that suck but if you want, feel free to take mine.

It easier for my life to say that. I can prepare myself. (I think)I can deal with it. But when it's someone I love, it's really really hard. I don't want my dad die. I want him getting well. I want him back. I want him as healthy as before. Please.

The hospital said there's nothing they can do. They said Dad can go home. What the hell are they talking about. He still sicks!

Huh! Golden card. Screw you! (Sorry for being impolite. Usually, I'm a polite girl. I only turn to a bad girl in some case.)

I have to find a nursing home to take care of him. Or, we bring him home and hire someone to take care of him.

I want him stay at home but I don't want to hire someone. I don't want to put him in a nursing home but it's the only way that works for everyone. (Probably not for Dad. He definitely wants to go home. If he still understand things right now.) Because, the ones who care for him have a job to do.

Oh, hell. So tired. Don't know what to do now.

Feel like I'm a bad daughter if I put him in a nursing home. It would be good for him if I quit my job to take care of him. Took care by the family is the best way. But I can't quit my job. I'm not Bill Gate's daughter. I'm not Oprah's niece.

Am I selfish? Yeah, feel like that, right now. A sound in my head asked me, The reason you're gonna put him in a nursing home is because you don't wanna take of him yourself, right?

Oh, my God. It would be good if all these things was a dream.