EXHAUSTED!!

Oh, hell. Life couldn't be more crueler than this.

Above is a sentence I wrote on April, 23rd. (Today is May, 28th) The reason was Dad have to leave the hospital and I haven't found a nursing home, yet.

Since then, many things happened. (Bad things, Badder things and the Baddest thing) The bottom line (have no humor to explain everything) is I've found it. He's been there for 11 days now. Unexpected me, his sodium has risen to a normal level, which makes him too alert and too sensitive

After all day long doing my job, I have to help Mom at home doing family's business, accounting, for an example. I'm exhausted. Not to mention dealing with TJ (the Jerk). That's the most exhausted, annoyed, hated part ever.

Sometimes, I wish all of this didn't happen. Okay, I always wish none of this happen.

Wish me luck!!

Life isn't fair

Life isn't fair.
Life sucks.
And then you die.

Well, always heard those lines.(Okay, I read it from Breaking Dawn and really like it. Don't know if there's any hidden meaning)

And I think as everyone thinks that "That's my life"
(Probably, Dad's thinking about it right now)

And someone said, "Is that suck? Really? Mine is sucker."
I don't know why they're so proud about their sucker life. Mine maybe not that suck but if you want, feel free to take mine.

It easier for my life to say that. I can prepare myself. (I think)I can deal with it. But when it's someone I love, it's really really hard. I don't want my dad die. I want him getting well. I want him back. I want him as healthy as before. Please.

The hospital said there's nothing they can do. They said Dad can go home. What the hell are they talking about. He still sicks!

Huh! Golden card. Screw you! (Sorry for being impolite. Usually, I'm a polite girl. I only turn to a bad girl in some case.)

I have to find a nursing home to take care of him. Or, we bring him home and hire someone to take care of him.

I want him stay at home but I don't want to hire someone. I don't want to put him in a nursing home but it's the only way that works for everyone. (Probably not for Dad. He definitely wants to go home. If he still understand things right now.) Because, the ones who care for him have a job to do.

Oh, hell. So tired. Don't know what to do now.

Feel like I'm a bad daughter if I put him in a nursing home. It would be good for him if I quit my job to take care of him. Took care by the family is the best way. But I can't quit my job. I'm not Bill Gate's daughter. I'm not Oprah's niece.

Am I selfish? Yeah, feel like that, right now. A sound in my head asked me, The reason you're gonna put him in a nursing home is because you don't wanna take of him yourself, right?

Oh, my God. It would be good if all these things was a dream.

Worst Experience

It happens every times. Words are running in my mind. All I need is a keyboard to type it down. But the very moment my fingers touched a keyboard. I didn't know what to type. I didn't have that feeling anymore. The feeling that I didn't want to do anything but type my feeling down. It's gone. It's always be.

Well, that's just a warming up. The feeling is back.

My dad was sent to a hospital since 1th of April. Doctor#1 told me after he saw an x-ray film that Dad got a nose cancer. Actually the cancer has backed. He'd got it 10 or 15 years ago and it cured. For now, it's very bad, really really bad, it can't cure. He told me to prepare for the lost. Then Doctor#2 said his esophagus (had to check on dictionary to find the word; #1) is wound and blah blah blah. The bottom line is he lacked of sodium and lead to a convulsion(this made #2). And there's something else that too difficult to describe in a language that not my native. Maybe it reach #100 if I still writing it.

Another bottom line is I don't know whether he remembers me or not anymore. Sometimes it seem like when he looks at me, he knows it's me. But sometimes he doesn't. Sigh.

He'd spent 12 days in ICU. He just moved to a normal room this morning. That's a good news.

Hope you get well soon, Dad. I miss you. I really really miss you.

Oh, by the way, He didn't got the cancer. Said by Doc#3 after he diagnose(this made #3) at a lab, not just LOOK at the x-ray film like Doc#1. But I'm glad that Doc#1 was wrong. Although I'd dissolved into tears. A LOT. I still do sometimes.